It’s Not Me—It’s You
How Projection Masks Inner Conflict
By Dr. LauraMaery Gold, LMFT
A client — I’ll call her Dana — came into session tight-lipped and tense. She wasted no time.
“My husband’s been checking out the women at church,” she said. “He acts like he’s just looking around the room, but I see where his eyes go. Always the young ones. Always the polished ones.”
She wasn’t ranting. She was wounded. But something in her intensity was louder than her words.
As we talked, more pieces fell into place: Dana didn’t like the way her clothes fit anymore. She’d been catching her reflection lately and flinching at the signs of aging. She’d started avoiding the front rows at church because she felt invisible next to the young moms who always seemed “put together.”
Then, mid-sentence, Dana paused.
“Sometimes I think I want to be single again.” She got a little teary-eyed….then her voice changed. “Not really. Just long enough to know someone still sees me.”
For me, the light came on.
Dana wasn’t just worried her husband was looking at other women. She was grieving the version of herself she used to admire — and projecting that grief outward. Her accusation wasn’t groundless; it was a mirror.
Project Runaway (Thoughts)
In 1894, Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud documented a defense mechanism he called projection: the unconscious process of attributing our own unwanted thoughts or emotions to someone else. It’s psychological misdirection. I’m not envious — they are. I’m not afraid — they just seem threatening. I’m not lazy — they just don’t take responsibility.
Projection helps preserve the ego’s illusion of consistency. It externalizes internal conflict and shields us from self-awareness. But it also distorts the truth — and damages relationships in the process.
The moment we stop diagnosing others and start narrating our own experience, projection collapses. But that shift doesn’t happen on its own — it takes a structure.
Skript Away Projection
That’s where the Skripts™ Method comes in. Skripts is a seven-step approach to principled communication that begins with spotting the problem and ends with reflecting on outcomes.
In the case of projection, Skripts separate your internal reactivity from your own unmet needs. With good Skripts, it becomes possible to clarify what’s mine, what’s theirs, and what to say next.
Here is an example of Skripts in action, narrowed down to the principle and the linked Skript:
Principle: I take responsibility for my own emotions
Skript (Internal): “I think I get judgy when I feel painful things. Am I trying to avoid solving my own problems by judging someone else? Maybe I should write out my own feelings about myself to see whether I’m projecting.”
Skript (External): “Lately I’ve been feeling excluded. That may be my own fault, but I’d love to feel closer again.”
Another example of shutting down projection:
Principle: I speak about values, not fault
Skript (Internal): “Maybe this isn’t about what he did. Maybe it’s about a value I need to clarify — and maybe it’s one I’m not living up to in myself.”
Skript (External): “I’ve been longing for some reassurance. I don’t want to lash out — I want to reconnect.”
These are small, ethical pivots. They don’t dismiss your feelings. They translate feelings into language that fosters connection rather than defensiveness.
Next time you’re convinced someone else is the problem, ask yourself:
Am I reacting to them — or protecting myself from something I haven’t wanted to face?
Is this a boundary violation — or an internal principle that I’ve been ignoring?
The maturity that comes from using principled Skripts provides mental clarity and relationship connection. And clarity, unlike projection, won’t betray you.
Freud, S. (1894). The neuro-psychoses of defence. Standard Edition, 3, 41–61; Freud, S. (1911). Psycho-analytic notes on an autobiographical account of a case of paranoia. Standard Edition, 12.
