That’s just how s/he is
Go ahead. Say it again. Try me.
You’re defending indefensible behavior by telling me “That’s just how [that person] is”?
Why?
Why are you explaining away the inexplicable, minimizing the damage being caused by a person who hurts other people? Because she’s your mother? He’s your brother? She’s your ex? They’re your family? They’re your political party, your religious leader, your athletic team, your employer, your long-time pals?
Nope. You’re doing it to shut down the person who’s hurt, to keep them in their place, to make them question their own perceptions. Because their hurt is inconvenient to you.
You’re not cool. You’re a coward.
You’re demonstrating that the person whose vile behavior you’re explaining away is more important to you than the person who’s been damaged, and you’re terrified of calling it out, of holding a boundary, of defending the powerless, because you’re scared the horrible person might turn on you.
Coward.
When someone you profess to love tells you that another individual caused them grief or pain, your job is to take the injured party’s side first.
Especially if the injuring party is your mother. Your mother is wrong, I guarantee it. (And speaking as a mother-in-law, with more kids-in-law than you can count, let me assure you I would never get into a dispute with a son- or daughter-in-law. I want my kids to protect their spouses, and their marriages, before all comers.)
If I were annoyed at a kid-in-law (which I never am; my kids-in-law are all perfect), my job is to shut up and manage my own feelings. These people are kind enough to love my children, parent my grandkids, and put up with me. They freakin’ walk on water, and they’ll get nothing but high fives from me for doing it.
But if I did have a dispute with a kid-in-law, I would expect that my own adult child would come at me, not at their spouse, if it turned ugly. I’m the oldest adult; it’s my job to demonstrate compassion, understanding, and humility. My kid should not minimize my bad behavior by saying to their spouse “Oh, that’s just how my mom is. Don’t worry about it.”
Stand Up, Man
I’ll say it again: If there’s a problem between your partner and a third party, start by assuming your partner is right. Have a spine. Take their side.
And if, upon reflection, you think perhaps your partner might have had some fault in the conflict — and at a time when you can have an entirely private conversation — you’re free to say:
“Babe, there’s something I need to talk about. I know my [ex/parent/boss] was being a jerk. And I hate that. I hope you saw that I had your back.
“But I have a concern. I know you’d like me to punch him/her in the nose. I get it. But I wonder if maybe, as a team, we could come up with a healthier, better-boundaried way to cope with that person, one that doesn’t involve fist-fights, cops, and maybe losing my job. Would it be okay if I proposed a new approach?”
Your partner says: “What do you mean?”
You respond: “I get why you were so mad. And I should have stepped up in the moment and stopped them from attacking you. But maybe, in the future, we could, say, have a code word that means ‘You handle this. I’m leaving the conversation.’ And if you say the code word, I promise I’ll immediately get between you and that person and stand up for both of us. OK? You don’t have to fight that battle with my family [ex/boss/buddy]. I’ll fight it. It’s my job because I’m the one that brought them into our relationship. It’s my job to hold boundaries. Can we try it that way?”
Loyalty Points
Hildreth (2016) explores loyalty as a moral principle in human psychology and its dual role in fostering both ethical and unethical behavior. Loyalty in relationships can prompt individuals to act more ethically when it strengthens bonds between partners or groups, encouraging support and mutual protection.
However, loyalty can also lead to unethical behaviors when it blinds individuals to the harm their loyalty may cause to others. The Hildreth study demonstrates that loyalty, as a driver of human behavior, is particularly powerful in intimate relationships, affecting both positive and negative outcomes.
Bottom line: Want a real partner? Then be a loyal partner. Grow up, stand up, and protect the person you claim to love.
Hildreth, J. A. D. (2016). The moral psychology of loyalty. University of California eScholarship. https://escholarship.org/uc/item/5hp492zp
🗨️You're reading Skripts, the magazine where we teach better communication in marriage, parenting, work, and family life. Dr. LauraMaery Gold provides communication coaching at the Skripts project (Skripts.org).
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