Relationships Matter: Why You Need Them to Thrive
How to Build Strong Relationships in a World of Distraction and Technology
How to Build Strong Relationships in a World of Distraction and Technology
Sarah* came into her counseling session looking despondent. “I just don’t understand,” she began. “I have all these friends online, but I still feel so disconnected.”
I asked whether she might be craving something more, something deeper than what social media can provide. Sarah nodded, tears welling up. “I guess I just thought that having all these friends would make me feel better, but it hasn’t. I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to about what’s really going on in my life.”
I agreed that it’s important to have people in our lives we can truly connect with, people we can share our thoughts and feelings with. “But social media’s pretty limited in that area,” I said. Sarah wiped away her tears, nodding. “I guess I need to work on building more meaningful relationships in my life.”
In some ways, we’re all more connected than ever. With technology on demand, it’s possible to instantly communicate with anyone, anywhere. Despite this connectedness, though, like Sarah — or Nikola Tesla’s pigeon — you might still feel isolated and lonely.
The Science of Relationships
The science shows that relationships are critical to your mental and physical health (cites 1–4, below), yet building and maintaining connection seems increasingly difficult. Here’s why relationships matter…along with some ideas for building and maintaining strong connections in a world of distraction and technology:
It’s no secret that relationships are important, but did you know that they can actually help you live longer? That’s right, according to one study, having strong social connections can increase your lifespan (5). While you’re drinking green juice and running marathons, maybe spare a thought for building your relationships!
But that’s not all. Research also shows that those with strong social connections have a reduced risk of depression and anxiety (6, 7). When you’re feeling down, maybe it’s time to step up: make an effort to call a friend, join a club, get back to church, or take a class.
And don’t forget about the physical benefits of relationships. Other studies show that those with strong social connections had better overall health (8, 9). Forget those fad diets; get to work on building relationships. Your body will thank you.
These benefits aren’t limited to romantic relationships. Friendships, family, and community connections all play a role in your well-being. So, whether it’s a weekly phone call with your grandma or a group chat with your college friends, make time to connect. Your health and happiness depend on it.
Build Strong Connections
The great philosopher Aristotle once said, “Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies” (Nicomachean Ethics, Book VIII). Building strong relationships can be challenging, but the benefits are powerful.
It’s not just that investing time in your existing relationships can lead to a longer and healthier life (10). It’s that connecting with other human beings gives your life depth and meaning (11). Endlessly scrolling through social media or binge-watching Netflix numbs you — for a time — but ultimately it breaks you. Try setting aside dedicated time to spend with loved ones. This undertaking can be as simple as a weekly family dinner or a monthly game night with friends. But be intentional about making space for your peeps. They need you, and you need them.
But it’s not just about showing up physically; it’s also about being present mentally. Put away your phone and truly focus on the conversation. Ask questions, listen actively, and show genuine interest in what the other person is saying. Not only will it strengthen your attachment; it will also improve your overall communication skills.
Take the time to invest in your relationships, because at the end of the day, the laughter, love, and support of those around us are what truly make life worth living.
Overcome Barriers
It’s all too easy to get caught up in scrolling through Instagram or TikTok instead of engaging with family and building friendships.
But tech isn’t the whole story: social anxiety and past negative experiences can also make it challenging to put yourself out there and form stronger attachments. You may, for instance, have had a falling out with a close friend or a bad experience in a romantic relationship. It’s natural to feel hesitant about taking chances again. But these barriers can be overcome with determination — and in some cases, therapy.
One way to overcome these barriers is to start small: set a goal to have one meaningful conversation per day, or to attend a social event once a week. Another strategy is to practice active listening. When you’re with someone, put away your phone and truly focus on the conversation. Ask questions, repeat back the gist of what you hear, and show genuine interest in what the other person is saying. These strategies are critical to meaningful connection.
Another way to overcome these barriers is to join groups or organizations that align with your interests. This can be a great way to meet like-minded people and form meaningful connections based on shared interests. For example, join a local hiking group, a running club, or a photography class. If you’re passionate about helping others, you could volunteer at a local charity or non-profit organization.
Why Relationships Matter
Strong relationships are essential to your well-being, and to maintaining the social fabric that keeps society knit together. One-to-one connection is the key to battling tribalism. But it’s up to you to prioritize relationship-building in a world full of distractions. By investing time and effort into your existing connections, being present in the moment, and actively working to overcome barriers, you can build and maintain strong relationships that will support you throughout life.
* Identifying features, including client names, genders, contexts, and quotes, are always anonymized to protect the privacy of therapy clients. Similar cases may be combined as a single anecdote.
Citations:
1. Helliwell, J. F., Layard, R., & Sachs, J. D. (2019). World happiness report 2019. Sustainable Development Solutions Network. https://worldhappiness.report/ed/2019/
2. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS medicine, 7(7), e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
3. Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K., & Newton, T. L. (2001). Marriage and health: His and hers. Psychological bulletin, 127(4), 472–503. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.127.4.472
4. Umberson, D., & Montez, J. K. (2010). Social relationships and health: A flashpoint for health policy. Journal of health and social behavior, 51(Suppl), S54-S66. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022146510383501
5. VanderWeele, T. J. (2017). On the promotion of human flourishing. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 114(31), 8148–8156. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1702996114
6. Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310–357. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.98.2.310
7. Kawachi, I., & Berkman, L. F. (2001). Social ties and mental health. Journal of Urban Health, 78(3), 458–467. https://doi.org/10.1093/jurban/78.3.458
8. Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218–227. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8
9. Uchino, B. N. (2006). Social support and health: A review of physiological processes potentially underlying links to disease outcomes. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 29(4), 377–387. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10865-006-9056-5
10. VanderWeele, 2017
11. Watzlawick, P., Bavelas, J. B., & Jackson, D. D. (2011). Pragmatics of human communication: A study of interactional patterns, pathologies and paradoxes. National Geographic Books. (Original work published 1967)
12. Reinecke, L., & Trepte, S. (2014). Authenticity and well-being on social network sites: A two-wave longitudinal study on the effects of online authenticity and the positivity bias in SNS communication. Computers in Human Behavior, 30, 95–102. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2013.07.030
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