If It Lasts, It Will Last
What Lindy's Law Tells Me About Relationship Conflict
by Dr. LauraMaery Gold, LMFT
I have a good husband. I really do.
And in 30-some years of marriage, I’ve learned that both of us annoy one another, from time to time. But early on, one of us — I won’t say who — had a particular response to contention that was absolutely unacceptable.
When annoyed, the culprit would threaten to leave. But it was unspecified leaving — the conversation? the room? the marriage? earth? — that shattered the other, resulting in high distress and anxiety. Eventually, the … ermm… recipient of this bad behavior put a foot down. (You like how I dance around the who? question?) The recipient said:
“Nope. No more. That’s intimidation, and it’s cruel and borderline abusive. I’m not going to live like this. Listen to me carefully: Say it again, and I’m going to assume you’re serious, and accept that this relationship is over. You think about that and let me know if you want to discuss it further.”
That was the end of that particular pattern. For better than two decades now, it hasn’t reappeared. Here’s why that hard line worked: Lindy’s Law.
Lindy’s Law: The Longer It Lasts, the Longer It Will
Lindy’s Law (which started with discussions among New York comedians at Lindy’s Deli and was later formalized in statistical contexts1), says that the future life expectancy of something is proportional to its current age. As an example: The durability of non-perishable entities — like books, technologies, or traditions — predicts their future persistence. So a 100-year-old novel is statistically more likely to remain in circulation than a recently released one. In simpler terms: the longer something has stuck around, the longer it probably will.
Think about that in your relationships.
In a relationship, unchallenged behaviors stop looking like choices and start feeling like character. But they’re not. They’re just well-practiced responses that no one called out soon enough.
If your partner started disappearing into their phone every time there’s a disagreement — and you let it slide — you just gave that behavior legs. If you bite your tongue every time your mother-in-law steamrolls your boundaries, your silence is the fertilizer keeping the cycle alive. If you give a screaming kid an Oreo, you reinforce the behavior and increase the odds of a repeat tantrum.
That’s Lindy’s Law at work.
The Skripts Method: Language as a Line in the Sand
The antidote to the Lindy effect in relationships is the Skripts™ method: Spot the behavior. Know the principle it violates. Refine what you want instead. And then, for heaven’s sake, say something — calmly, kindly, and firmly. For example:
Principle: Old patterns don’t die. They dig trenches.
Skript: “I know this seems small, but it’s been echoing for a long time in my head. If I don’t say something now, it’ll just harden. I want us to be light, not heavy.”
When you say that, you’re not nitpicking. You’re interrupting the Lindy effect. You’re breaking the cycle before it fossilizes.
The earlier you do this, the more effective the correction. The longer you wait, the more drama it requires to make even a small shift.
Another example:
Principle: Adults have power.
Skript: “This has happened enough times that I need to say something. I don’t want this to become a permanent feature in our relationship. It bothers me, and I want it to stop.”
Why the Skript Works
In my story, the correction didn’t happen the first time. Or the second. But eventually, the recipient (still not naming names) had the clarity and language to shut it down with precision. No threats, no drama — just a firm line in the sand.
This particular Skript succeeded not because it was clever; It succeeded because it was based on a principle: Adults have power.
Your Takeaway
If there’s a pattern in your relationship that’s been tolerated for too long, stop romanticizing your patience. You’re not being graceful. You’re being complicit in your own pain.
Remember Lindy’s Law: If it lasts, it will continue. Unless you stop it.
And if you don’t know what to say? That’s what Skripts are for.
🗨️You're reading Skripts, the magazine where we teach better communication in marriage, parenting, work, and family life. Dr. LauraMaery Gold provides communication coaching at the Skripts project (Skripts.org).
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Mandelbrot, B. (1982). The Fractal Geometry of Nature. San Francisco: W. H. Freeman.